Home of the Four Trans

Life in the Tran household has been quite hectic since the holiday season began back in November. Now, with the celebration of the Chinese New Year behind us (January 25, 2009), we can rest easy knowing that the holiday season is officially over…and finally, get back into some sort of routine…and, some blogging.

I know all that are still checking in are wondering how my boys are doing. The update of how they spent their holiday will come in the form of pictures.

I’ve also been postponing posting updates because I just wanted to enjoy what we had with the boys while we had it. This may be an irrational fear that has arisen from my undiagnosed post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD–after enduring and witnessing all that I have with Justin and his surgeries), but I am afraid to speak of any good in fear of something bad happening. So, I just let it be.

Justin had his neurology and orthopedic appointments since the last time I posted. There’s nothing new to report there: his right foot is still in pronation, and his right hand and arm still need much therapy to improve. He is continuing his occupational and physical therapy 3 times a week. Starting this week, he is also receiving infant stim from the Regional Center of Orange County to learn some cognitive and social skills. It’s been a year since he’s had the stroke, and at times, I do feel discouraged that he has not made as much improvement as we had hoped. But, although subtle, the progress is there.

Justin also celebrated several anniversaries in January: January 9 is the anniversary of the day his heart unexpectedly stopped in the hospital, one day post heart catheterization. January 16 is the anniversary of his second heart surgery, the bi-directional Glenn. On both of these days, we did mini parties for him, and he loved the attention.

Nathan continues to challenge me, Loi, and our patience to the max. Sometimes we’ll get to experience some of his cute little boy innocence when he asks us questions about the world around him. Most of the time, though, there’s a lot of resistance on his part in doing what is expected of him. I’m beginning to see how he is more like his father each and every day…resisting authority!! You know it’s true, Hon.

There have been days (like last week) where Nathan has driven me to the brink of insanity. I mean insanity. Wouldn’t go to school even if we dragged him, refused to get in and out of the car (made me sit in the parking lot for 45 minutes with Justin in my lap because he wanted to sit in Justin’s car seat), and refused to speak when asked to greet people.

On days like those, I wonder what the heck I’m doing wrong. I was even driven to start drinking…well, almost. It had been 5 years since I’ve actually drank alcohol. The days of downing tequila shots with licks of lime and salt off the back of my hand were over since I decided on a random day back in 2003 that I didn’t want to kill any of my brain cells that way.

Well, I really needed a quick relaxant on this particular day. Of course, being the responsible parent that I am, I told Loi my plans first, and waited for him to get home before opening a 2006 bottle of merlot (rich in flavonoids, good for the cardiovascular system. See? I’m responsible). I poured it into a tall water glass, swished it a few times, and took a pecker sip. Um, yuck. It was alcohol, and I do not like the taste of alcohol. I tried to convince that I needed this, but I couldn’t get past the taste. I really wished I could have. But, after the 5th sip, I gave up.

Loi laughed as I poured myself that glass of wine because it was so entirely not me to drown my sorrows in something like alcohol.

I still haven’t figured out how to find any “me” time, yet. There are things I would love to do like hit the gym and lift some weights (total endorphin inducer), write, go on a weekend getaway sans kids, read, dance…but, by the time the kids are in bed, I am exhausted. All I want to do is something mindless like watching a show on Hulu.

My energy level is not what is was 6 months ago…I’m losing my stamina…could it be because I have a little more than a year before turning 30?!?!?

Okay, enough about me. Truth is, I just need to find my center.

Moving on…

Loi is busy as usual working 6-7 days a week with his “day job,” and our little side business. But, he always tries his best to alleviate my stresses. He’ll cook dinner when I just want to throw myself under the covers like the day never happened, he’ll prepare the children’s lunches, he’ll help clean, and he approved of me going to New York on my own for my birthday. Yay!

Yes, I can be the most terrible mother and wife, and almost undeserving. But, I know how truly blessed I am to be surrounded by the most wonderful people.

Thanks for checking in. Happy New Year!

Our hotel room in San Diego overlooking Mission Bay was quiet. I was the first one up after a long night of Nathan’s screaming. He was then sprawled across the king sized bed, with his arms and legs contorted in an unnatural position, and his head tilted back, breathing in every ounce of sleep. Loi was rolled to the edge of one side of the bed. I had been called up by Loi’s mom to fetch some breakfast in the Regency Club room (where they served 2 meals a day for an additional fee to the room, plus unlimited free water, coffee, and hot chocolate).

Before starting my day with a tooth brushing, hair combing, and face washing, I stopped by the sectional-turned-bed to check on Justin. He laid there on his back, with his head against a white, fluffy pillow, eyes closed, breathing comfortably, with his arms in a u-shape above his head. I lingered at this sight for a few minutes, taking in the fact that he was here with me, breathing. My stomach fluttered. It was like looking at my newborn child for the first time in complete astonishment that this child was mine. Like, how the heck did this happen? I have a child! But, in this case, it’s more like, he’s mine, and not completely perfect, but so perfect, and he’s here…still here.

And, we were on vacation. 16 months ago, I could not have fathomed taking Justin anywhere beyond the hospital and our home (remember, germs?). This past week, I’ve taken Justin to Disneyland (uh, germs central) to view the Electrical Parade and to absorb in the Disney scene, and on a boat ride around Mission Bay Lake in San Diego. He’s sat in restaurant high chairs (that were sanitized and covered in our own seat covering material, of course), lounged by a very busy public, hotel pool underneath a cabana, and experienced a bonfire while his cousins and brother were roasting marshmallows for their smores.

The chaos generated by his cousins, Nathan, admiring strangers, and activities sometimes distracted me from seeing this all for what it is–that Justin was alive and well enough to appreciate the chaos. He would squeal ahhhhh! in delight, bat his arms up and down, and bounce on his bum whenever anyone spoke to him. Or, he’d look for some attention, just by staring someone down until they’d say something to him. Sometimes, he’d even play hard to get and turn his head into my shoulder as though he was shy.

Although I’ve loosened up a bit, reality is I’m still scared as heck that something, anything could happen to him. I find myself still checking on him (to make sure he’s breathing) every so often while he’s napping or sleeping. I look out for signs of his heart or pacemaker failing–is he puffy? pale? breathing fast? not eating well? tired too often? different?

He’ll be turning one this coming Friday, but, I find myself not really wanting to talk about it. Don’t want to say why…

But, this past week has made me realize how far my Justin has come, and how much my perspective has changed. Very few moments that I spend with him are wasted on thinking about what I’d be doing next or in the future, and where we are headed. Every moment I spend with him is for him for that moment. I focus on appreciating the fact that he is breathing, alive, and happy…so happy.

I must admit that the darkness of the night, in my bed, is where I’ll reserve for my deeper, more anxious thoughts about surgeries, heart transplants, insurance, bills, etc. I’m only human, and fear will sometimes persuade me.

As always, though, seeing his smiley, sunshine face reminds me to appreciate, appreciate, appreciate.