Home of the Four Trans

I have been pretty good at curbing my lust for buying unnecessary things, lately (i.e.; clothes, shoes, makeup). Browsing Nordstrom (my favorite department store) every rare chance I get is still a favorite pasttime (usually lasting 20 minutes) whenever I do get a chance to hit the mall…with the kids…for a present or food.

Before making a purchase, I question: Do I really need this? Is it worth it? What else could this 20 dollars go towards? Savings? College Fund? Paying Bills? My online writing class? Most of time, I’ll realize the item was not as appealing as when I first picked it up and end up placing it back where I found it.

This process has taken a toll on my wardrobe, though. I seriously have nothing to wear, now. I have clothes…just nothing that will go together, or fit right, or look good.

Flipping through a magazine last week, I came upon an article about women’s wardrobe transformations. I realized that when I related to the women’s BEFORE pictures more than the AFTER that I had an issue on my hands–my clothes are outdated.

It couldn’t be that bad, though, I thought. Decided to get a second opinion by no other than my trusty companion–Loi.

Me: “I have nothing to wear. I need new clothes.”

Loi: “Yeah, you do.”

Gasp!

When your man agrees that you don’t have enough clothes, then there must be something wrong. He’s never agreed with me before!

Being this stay at home mom thing does not require me to dress up. So, I don’t shop as often, and somehow jeans and tank tops/cardigans with sandals is enough to make it decent when stepping into the streets to physical/occupational therapy, doctor’s appointments, or the market. Three inch heels and knee length pencil skirts are entirely inappropriate for such outings.

Still, I miss being pretty. Clothes, though can be superficial, can also really improve my mood and sense of being. My conclusion? To be a good mom, I also have to be good to myself. Among my list of things to do this coming week is to plan a shopping trip–skinny jeans, printed and frilly tops, jersey dresses. You know, girly things.

The countdown begins:

Loi’s b-day in 1 week.

Justin’s b-day party in 2 weeks.

Nathan’s b-day party in 4 weeks.

Sent out a load of invitations today for Justin’s party, realizing it’s a little late, but I’ve called majority of the people ahead of time so we should be OK….or, so I hope. Party plans are materializing, and can’t wait for the big day!

In the meantime, we’ve been attending other birthday parties. This past weekend was our nieces’ 14th birthday party. 14! She’s starting high school next year! Where has all the time gone? I met her when she was only a wee three year old. This year, Nathan is turning three. See what I mean? Time really does fly. Justin will be there one day, too. I know it!

Here are the party animals:

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Justin had just grabbed a handful of cake frosting while Nathan watches on.

Hand and table wiping with baby wipes followed.

We can never get a decent group picture with all the kids. Impossible. There are 8 total. They don’t take cue to “smile” or “say cheese.” They’d rather play or eat cake. What do we expect, right?

Speaking of lots of kids, there were lots of people at the party, too. But, there will be 10 times as many people at Justin’s birthday party. How to keep him clean? I’m carrying hand wipes and hand sanitizers in my hip pack as I (and only I) carry him around. And kids? No touching. I’ve had some suggestions such as having him wear a shirt labeled, “Too cute to touch,” (thanks, Leanne!) and putting a sign(s) up to warn people that they can’t touch him unless they wash their hands. I’ve had my hesitations when planning this party as to who to invite to limit the germs surrounding Justin. But, our families are too big. And, our support system too great. Justin’s never had a party in his life. What better time than now, his first birthday, to bring us all together to celebrate life.

Besides, I don’t want him to be Bubble Boy. I don’t want him to be perceived as this fragile weakling. He’s strong, been through 2 open heart surgeries (3 if you count that time they had to reopen him after the 1st time to patch up those holes causing him to almost bleed to death). He smiles and “wa, wa, wa’s” (this is new). He deserves to be treated with some dignity.

Can’t wait to see him grab a fistful of his own cake!

 ”What is Mama stressing about? Look at this face!” 

Can’t sleep…

For the past several weeks, I’ve been up to about 3AM every morning. The only reason why I turn in is because I know I’ll need energy for the next day.There’s too much to do, yet never enough time to accomplish it all.

Across our dining room floor next to our little office niche are scattered mini piles of insurance papers and medical notes. I am in the process of organizing the endless mail we’ve been receiving since Justin’s first surgery back in August 2007. As we got caught up in the whirlwind of the first open heart surgery, then the moving, then the feeding issues leading up to the cath and second heart surgery, then moving, again, I never had quite any down time to organize everything. I’ve been stuffing these letters in bins labeled “Insurance” and “Bills”.

The mess on the dining room floor has lived here since yesterday. I look at it, knowing that I should work on it, but I’m procrastinating because it’s just too overwhelming. I wonder how other families keep up with this stuff.

If I could afford it, I’d hire myself an assistant. Stay at home moms need it. Parents of special needs children need it. There’s only so many hours in a work day for phone calls to be made–to research schools, follow up with insurance and bills, order meds, and therapy supplies (I still need to order Justin’s splint and peanut ball). But those must be put aside while the children are awake so that I can concentrate on working on feeding and playing with them. Being there for them and with them is always my first priority. I must concentrate on working with Justin and his physical mobility and stretching. I must deal with Nathan when he starts scratching or gets tired and restless. Sprinkle doctors’ and therapy appointments in here and there and before I know it it’s bedtime.

As the boys finally fall asleep, I do my cleaning–in the kitchen, living room, dining room, everywhere–knowing that by breakfast tomorrow, the mess returns. Sigh.

Then, there’s the emergency kit I’m still trying to physically put together (deciding how to be prepared with Justin’s meds in case disaster strikes). The Lake Tahoe trip we’re taking with Loi’s entire extended family at the end of the month to plan (need to order oxygen tank, plan route and stops). Justin’s first birthday party plans (the invitations are done! Labels are in the making). Loi’s (turning the big 3-0) and Nathan’s (turning the big 3) birthday party plans.

I haven’t even visited my Grandma in over a month!

This all reminds me of an econ paper I wrote as an undergrad titled, “24 hours is not enough: balancing women’s many roles” or something like that. I either need more time or more hands. I’m getting freakin’ overwhelmed. I’m not complaining…love my kids…glad they’re “healthy” and not in the hospital…but, I’m human and I need help.

Ideas?

Loi and the babes supporting THE TEAM!

At 4:30 in the morning, we were rudely awakened by the fire alarm screeching through the house (more on this later). While both of us jumped out of bed (actually Loi did while I directed him to call the on-site property manager as we had suspected a false alarm), Nathan and Justin continued to sleep soundly in their positions on our bed. Nathan gave a faint groan, mumbling, “Mommy, turn that off,” then went back to sleep. Loi went outside to survey the rest of the complex and concluded that it was the doing of some prankster. It was a good 10-15 minutes before I heard the fire truck’s low rumble at the gate. I stepped outside to wave them down, and to let them know that we’re ok. After about a minute, they turned off the alarm and investigated the property. As we had suspected, false alarm.

This was how Loi’s third Father’s Day ever began. Sorry, Pops!

But, the Lakers (Loi’s favorite basketball team) won the fourth game of the finals, after losing two in a row, placing them as potential contenders of the championship. Day made all better! That and being able to watch it with Nathan and Justin.

This year’s gift included Nathan’s homemade card made of construction paper, fuzzy balls, and die-cut foam shapes.

I still cannot believe Loi is a DAD, PAPA, POPS. When I first met him, he was only 16 years old. At the time, I did not think, “Yeah, he has qualities I value in fathering my children. I think I’ll marry him.” We were just kids…who grew up…got married…and, now, have children of our own! It’s a little surreal sometimes when I listen to him discipline Nathan, or snuggling with Justin, or reading to them. I knew him when he was only a teenager, and now he’s a responsible man taking care of his family. Where has the time gone?

Now, he’s probably just landed in Washington DC where he’ll be attending some business thing. He’ll be gone for 4 days…boo hoo. If you’re reading, we all miss you! We’ll see you soon…and don’t forget to wear sunblock!

Thanks Papa for loving us and taking care of us!

We attended a wedding...

Loi and I dressed in our best attire. Notice the detail of the sweetheart table in the back, with the fresh orchid blooms and roses hanging from the branches, lit candles, crystals dangling…

Group pictures: (T-B: With Auntie Mai and 3/6 cousins, with Y Phuong, with Great Grandma)

Don’t we all look so beautiful?

Justin even danced!

Nathan visited the Bob the Builder exhibit at the Discover Center .

Life’s been pretty fun-filled in the Cao-Tran household.

Two weeks of no internet connection left me feeling out of the loop and far from civilization! But, we’re back!

Here’s a quick update:

1) Nathan had his surgery on May 16, 2008 for trigger finger and thumb. He had his stitches taken out last Friday. All went well and his recovery seems promising…except his middle finger hurts when he tries to move it. So, I’m keeping an eye on it and considering taking him back to the orthopedic surgeon to take a look again.

2) We moved! After 9 months at Loi’s parent’s house, we moved out 2 weeks ago into our own place that is closer to the freeway and my parent’s house. We finally had internet and cable installed today.

3) Justin is is making progress in physical and occupational therapy. He can sit unassisted and roll over. Today, he moved his right arm, hand, and fingers (affected by the stroke) all by himself to feel beads and pop bubbles…for the first time in 5 months since his stroke. I was so excited, I kept exclaiming, “Omigosh! This is so amazing!,” over and over again.

4) Colds. Nathan caught a cold from his cousins that he passed on to Justin. Coughs and runny and stuffy noses all around. Nathan is recovered and Justin is recovering.

5) Justin talks! Okay, not really talk, but he’s starting to make “eh, eh, ehhhhh” noises, again, after months of silence and smiling. ADORABLE!

6) Nathan’s routine dental check-up: free and clear of cavities. I’m so proud! All that brushing and refraining from excessive sugar indulgences saved me several thousand dollars in dental work.

7) Nathan’s eczema is improving. After 2 years of battling with this itchy situation, we’ve found a solution with Zyrtec and a steroid cream. He has not scratched himself to sleep or woken up scratching for 2 weeks! So, Loi and I are pretty well rested. Nathan’s behavior has improved as well. Funny thing is we’ve tried Zyrtec when he was younger and it did not work. But, now it does! We hope he’ll grow out of it it soon so that he does not have to remain on drugs…blah!

As I walked to my car today from CHOC Rehab with Justin in my arms, I could not help but think how completely fortunate I am. I thought of that very moment, of how I felt like I had everything–the husband, children, home, financial stability. But, I also realized that none of this was mine. The Lord had given this all to me, and he could simply take it back. And, I was OK with this. I felt a sense of calm knowing that I’m being watched over and that I’m part of a plan…we all are. Now, more than ever, I believe this.

Next time, I’ll share my feng shui adventure and reading that shook me a little, but did not falter my belief in the Lord’s plan.

Have a beautiful day!

As I watched Justin stare into space while sucking on his mid-morning meal, cradled in my arms, looking completely content, I mused about how completely simple it was to be happy.

All my worries and frustrations seemed to melt away at that moment seeing my child in pure bliss. He’s been through 2 open heart surgeries and one major abdominal surgery, spent months tied up to monitors and tubes, been poked and prodded at. Yet, he can be so completely content with just sucking at his bottle and being held by his Mommy.

I wondered why, then, was it just so difficult to actually be happy. To be happy requires so little. To experience sadness or anger would mean having to conjure up the past, or think, or expend unnecessary energy on huffing and puffing…or delving into a deep, deep psychological hole and feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Then, I looked around. Ah, the things! The flatscreen plasma, the scattered toys, the clothes, pictures, letters, magazines…the clutter!

How could I be happy when I constantly complicate my life with these things that I must constantly clean up or worry about. How could I be happy when I have pictures to remind me of the past or real estate magazines describing to me of how much bigger of a home I could be in. How could I be happy if I allow things to overwhelm my very today.

I decided it was time. To clean up. Clear away the past:

-my old clothes that were still in good condition, but I had not worn for years

-Loi’s old clothes including his collection of t-shirts from our dating days 10 years ago (he got a little upset that I gave away a shirt that had some sentimental value to him…I said, let go of the things. They mean nothing! I’m mean, huh?)

-Nathan’s ball collection (which he did not want to part with. I asked him if it was OK to give it to kids who do not have toys because he has a lot of toys. “I need it,” he says. Sigh.)

-our collection of blankets

I gathered everything into white trash bags and dropped it off at the Catholic Worker, a home-based homeless shelter (the founder opened her home up to over 120 homeless people a week).

You know what? It felt good–to clear the area of our things and passing it on to people who needed it more. I’ve adhered some value on everything that I own because it allowed me to transcend to the time or feeling that that thing represents. Or, I would hesitate to part with something because I wondered if it would become useful in the future. So, to pack my things up without a second look and pass it on was a big thing for me.

Things are just that–things. That’s my new motto. Justin, what have you done to your mama? I love you!

“It has been said that there are 2 ways of being unhappy: not getting what you want and getting what you want.

“When people attain what the world tells us is desirable–wealth, recognition, property, achievement–they’re still not happy, at least not for long. They’re not at peace with themselves. They don’t have a true sense of security, a sense of finally having arrived.

“Their achievements have not provided them with what they’re really looking for–themselves. They have not given them the sense of being rooted in life, or as Jesus calls it, the fullness of life.”

(**Justin has really helped me find myself.) Although I may not have all the worldly possessions and I may not bear great social status, I am at peace with who I am. I appreciate what is and am not in constant search for more. It can get exhausting to try to chase something when you don’t know what it is you’re after.)

AND

“You don’t solve problems by thinking; you create problems by thinking. The solution always appears when you step out of thinking, become still and absolutely present, even if only for a moment. Then, a little later when thought comes back, you suddenly have a creative insight that wasn’t there before.

“Let go of excessive thinking and see how everything changes. Your relationships change because you don’t demand that the other person should do something for you to enhance your sense of self. You don’t compare yourself to others or try to be more than someone else to strengthen your sense of identity.

“You allow everyone to be as they are. You don’t need to change them; you don’t need them to behave differently so that you can be happy.”

(**I’ve admitted that I think. Way. Too. Much. Often times, I wonder how I can change another’s perception of Justin’s reality…that he is forever sick. His heart is never fixable. A heart transplant will not fix all problems just because it’s a “new” heart. That he will never be “normal” according to their standards, but normal enough to heart baby standards. I get tired of explaining and knowing that they’re not really understanding because they’re just busy thinking “how sad” or “medicine is so great he’ll be fine.” I think, “Geez, why don’t they get it?” Then, I realize that I’m explaining because I want them to see all the complexities of my life with Justin. I get frustrated when everything is simplified. So, I let them be. And, I stopped narrating my life and conjuring story lines in my head of what I could have said to what they said, or how things could be different if they just understood, or arguments I’d like to have with them. I save my energy…for the smiley boy Justin who can’t keep his eyes off of me….and for my Nathan who never ceases to make me laugh. And, the solution does come to me…of how I can help them understand….when I least expect it.)

–Eckhart Tolle, Findhorn Retreat: Stillness Amidst the World

Nikki once told me that God has a way of sending those to me when I need them most. And, there I was, at the hair salon, getting a little trim…She pulled this book out of nowhere (another client of hers had offered it to her) and told me to read it. Then, she went on to tell me that she does not have everything or all the money in the world, but she always tries to be appreciative and enjoy life. She doesn’t let the little things bother her because she doesn’t see the point.

My week had been tension filled. There were moments when I caught myself not breathing because all my stress gathered at my chest. This was a result from a combination of poor eating habits, endless cleaning (can Nathan have any more toys?) , and a lack of time to recharge (imagine Nathan calling “MAWMEE, MAWMEE, MAWMEE” like a siren throughout the day while Justin “WAH, WAH, WAH’s” Uh, can I just go to the restroom, please? “Mawmee, you’re not listening to me!” Nights are insane with Nathan screaming and scratching.). I just needed time to myself–without my boys–for a few hours. To breathe. The hair stylist was really a blessing. I stepped out of the salon refreshed and with a renewed perspective.

Then, went to Barnes and Noble and got me one of those Ekhart Tolle books, “The Power of Now.“

So, Justin’s behind a few months (he’s in the 4-6 month range) in his physical skills, but that’s to be expected since he’s been in the hospital for almost half his life.

Life really does go on, though. With Nathan, I was really obsessed with every milestone. I made sure to track his abilities month to month on Baby Center. It just so happened that Nathan surpassed every milestone (except the walking one. His feet didn’t even touch the ground until he was 13 months old) early for his age group. He’s like a little man…sometimes, I forget he’s only 2.5 years old.

Justin still has so much room to grow that I’m not truly concerned. And, having seen him almost on his deathbed makes me appreciate how vibrant and alive he is smiling and kicking. With all the atrocities his little body has been through, I’m proud (and still in disbelief) that he’s come this far. Oh, and the fact that he’s such an inspiration–to me especially–just makes me beam with pride.

Here’s to another beautiful day with my two little boys.

You all know that in my heap of dreams is the dream to share a dance with each of my sons on their wedding days (simple enough, right? I hope so…).

Well, I’ve chosen a song for Justin and me: “My Valentine” by Martina McBride.

You’d think after 8 years in the wedding business, hearing this song week after week as I watched the newlywed couples share their first dances, I’d be sick of it. But, the song has new meaning to me.

Check out the lyrics:

If there were no words
No way to speak
I would still hear you
If there were no tears
No way to feel inside
I’d still feel for you

And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart until the end of time
You’re all I need, my love, my Valentine

All of my life
I have been waiting for
All you give to me
You’ve opened my eyes
And showed me how to love unselfishly

I’ve dreamed of this a thousand times before
But in my dreams I couldn’t love you more
I will give you my heart
Until the end of time…
You’re all I need, my love, my Valentine

And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart until the end of time
‘Cause all I need is you, my Valentine
You’re all I need, my love, my Valentine

This dream, I realize, may not be seen to fruition. So, I seized the day, today.

I turned the I-tunes up on the computer and danced right there in our bedroom with my Justin cradled against my chest. I was in my blue jeans and a faded black V-neck fitted shirt. Justin, fresh out of the bath tub, was in his light blue stretch pants and beanie, and a shirt that said “I Need My Space.”

Who needs all the hoopla with the flowers, decorations, lighting, dance floor, tuxes, and expensive evening wear? I had everything I needed right then and there….I had my little man…warm, alive, looking in my eyes…and, us, happy.