Losing my senses
There’s a specific reason why I don’t hold Justin when meeting with his cardiologist, Dr. Rebolledo–I tend to lose my senses. With the boy full of chubs on my lap, I get a little distracted by and a lot attached to him. I attended the cardiology meeting sans Loi this past Monday, so I had no one to hand the little bundle over to. So, as I brought up the sensitive issue of heart transplants to the doctor and my worry of how the timing of his condition may affect how well he’ll receive a donor heart, I started to stutter. It was embarrassing, to say the least. I think I was stuck on, “I don’t want…I don’t want…I don’t want….” for like a minute before finally blurting out something about how I didn’t want his condition to get so bad that it would compromise how well he’ll receive his heart and whether he’ll actually be eligible for one.
Dr. Rebolledo really is a nice man and didn’t even try to jump in to fill in the blanks for me; he just sat there patiently trying to listen to what I had to say. Help me!
It’s still too premature to discuss getting Justin on a list for a donor heart. The echo showed that his leaky valve and pumping action are in about the same condition (severe, mildly depressed) as his last echo a month ago. The doc just upped his Captopril and Lasix to help with his heart function and made plans to meet again in June (ahh!) for another echo and checkup.
If I thought about his leaky heart and the weakening of his pumping action all the time, I’d drive myself nuts, not knowing when his heart will just give out. So, I don’t…well, not obsessively, at least. Instead, I just look at his beautiful face and focus on the fact that he’s been making a lot of progress. In fact, today, he just started babbling for a good 5 minutes with me…just because! And, the fact that he’s here, at home, smiling and happy makes me happy, too. All I can do is take it as it comes…can’t think too much of the future. There are too many variables that will affect the outcome of his life that there really is no point in speaking of the future and the what ifs.
I continue to pray for miracles, though. Won’t you join me, too?
April 7th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I will most definitely join you in praying for miracles for your sweet baby boy. Miracles do happen! I’m so glad that he seems to be doing so well (babbling, happy, smiling…). That is a very good sign that his body is working ok on the inside!
Keeping you guys in my prayers as always.