Home of the Four Trans

“It has been said that there are 2 ways of being unhappy: not getting what you want and getting what you want.

“When people attain what the world tells us is desirable–wealth, recognition, property, achievement–they’re still not happy, at least not for long. They’re not at peace with themselves. They don’t have a true sense of security, a sense of finally having arrived.

“Their achievements have not provided them with what they’re really looking for–themselves. They have not given them the sense of being rooted in life, or as Jesus calls it, the fullness of life.”

(**Justin has really helped me find myself.) Although I may not have all the worldly possessions and I may not bear great social status, I am at peace with who I am. I appreciate what is and am not in constant search for more. It can get exhausting to try to chase something when you don’t know what it is you’re after.)

AND

“You don’t solve problems by thinking; you create problems by thinking. The solution always appears when you step out of thinking, become still and absolutely present, even if only for a moment. Then, a little later when thought comes back, you suddenly have a creative insight that wasn’t there before.

“Let go of excessive thinking and see how everything changes. Your relationships change because you don’t demand that the other person should do something for you to enhance your sense of self. You don’t compare yourself to others or try to be more than someone else to strengthen your sense of identity.

“You allow everyone to be as they are. You don’t need to change them; you don’t need them to behave differently so that you can be happy.”

(**I’ve admitted that I think. Way. Too. Much. Often times, I wonder how I can change another’s perception of Justin’s reality…that he is forever sick. His heart is never fixable. A heart transplant will not fix all problems just because it’s a “new” heart. That he will never be “normal” according to their standards, but normal enough to heart baby standards. I get tired of explaining and knowing that they’re not really understanding because they’re just busy thinking “how sad” or “medicine is so great he’ll be fine.” I think, “Geez, why don’t they get it?” Then, I realize that I’m explaining because I want them to see all the complexities of my life with Justin. I get frustrated when everything is simplified. So, I let them be. And, I stopped narrating my life and conjuring story lines in my head of what I could have said to what they said, or how things could be different if they just understood, or arguments I’d like to have with them. I save my energy…for the smiley boy Justin who can’t keep his eyes off of me….and for my Nathan who never ceases to make me laugh. And, the solution does come to me…of how I can help them understand….when I least expect it.)

–Eckhart Tolle, Findhorn Retreat: Stillness Amidst the World

Nikki once told me that God has a way of sending those to me when I need them most. And, there I was, at the hair salon, getting a little trim…She pulled this book out of nowhere (another client of hers had offered it to her) and told me to read it. Then, she went on to tell me that she does not have everything or all the money in the world, but she always tries to be appreciative and enjoy life. She doesn’t let the little things bother her because she doesn’t see the point.

My week had been tension filled. There were moments when I caught myself not breathing because all my stress gathered at my chest. This was a result from a combination of poor eating habits, endless cleaning (can Nathan have any more toys?) , and a lack of time to recharge (imagine Nathan calling “MAWMEE, MAWMEE, MAWMEE” like a siren throughout the day while Justin “WAH, WAH, WAH’s” Uh, can I just go to the restroom, please? “Mawmee, you’re not listening to me!” Nights are insane with Nathan screaming and scratching.). I just needed time to myself–without my boys–for a few hours. To breathe. The hair stylist was really a blessing. I stepped out of the salon refreshed and with a renewed perspective.

Then, went to Barnes and Noble and got me one of those Ekhart Tolle books, “The Power of Now.“

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