The Simple Things Part II
I deliberately told Loi about how my aunt had received a white BMW 3-series after giving birth to her first, and a brand new house following her second born. I didn’t expect such extravagant gifts, I reiterated to my husband, but I did expect something after 9 months of carrying our child. I had to endure leg cramps, fatigue, shortness of breath, abstinence from my favorite foods (ie; sushi, mayonnaise, frozen yogurt, to name a few), and irreparable changes to my body. Much to my disappointment, I did not receive that long anticipated necklace or ring I so felt I deserved after giving birth to Nathan. Loi apologized, of course, attributing the delay to his busy schedule at work and other projects. With the hustle and bustle associated with adjusting to parenthood, I quickly forgot and didn’t mind so much realizing that nothing could beat holding my son and looking into his bright brown eyes. Loi did end up making up for the lack of that present with many others for our 4 year anniversary, Christmas, Valentine’s, and my birthday. At that point, I had developed an obsession for fancy watches and diamond hooped earrings, which Loi had accommodated very well to. Since then, he’s asked me, “How come you don’t wear your (watches, earrings) that I bought you anymore?”
When I became pregnant with Justin, I shared with him a story I read of how a woman’s husband saved up money the entire time she was pregnant so that after she gave birth she’d have a stash to spend on a new wardrobe. The idea was ridiculous to Loi as he thought that the money is ours anyway, so I could spend it in whichever way I wanted; he didn’t need to save for me. But, I explained to him that while I had the freedom to use the money we had, I would hesitate to spend it on myself knowing that it could be spent for something else. I reasoned that if I had my own stash, I wouldn’t feel so guilty using it knowing that it was set aside just for that purpose–me. Well, Loi got me something more practical for having Justin, a MacBook Pro, which has come into great use. But, after hearing me complain about how I have nothing to wear because I was much too big for my pre-pregnancy clothes, and too small for my pregnancy clothes, he urged me to go shopping with a $2000 budget. Wow, two grand. “Too much” I said. I ended up spending about $400 on an indulgent pair of jeans that I desperately needed to tone and shape where needed be, a black cropped trench coat, a fall staple, and some tops. With the remainder, I plan to donate $500 to a heart association and $500 to CHLA. I still need some new face and eye creams for the wrinkles coming along my way with the constant worries these two little boys have caused me, so a portion will be spent on that.
The true reward, as cliche as this may sound, is having my babies and everything that came and comes along with it. To feel empowered with the ability to bring another being into this world is just amazing. Nothing beats going through the hours of labor pain and finally pushing with all my might to see the little creature(s) that I’ve nourished and nurtured through all those months. Then, comes the real work of actually raising them into decent, smart, confident, and inspiring human beings. Knowing that my words and actions will affect the way they think and feel about themselves and the world is quite nerve wrecking and pressure building. But, it’s also gratifying to know that I can have such a great impact on another human being, and to know that they’ll take what they’ve learned from me to spread to the world. They are my legacy.
I visited my old workplaces over the weekend with the four of us (Justin’s second outing, more on that later). Loi asked if I missed it–planning weddings, having adult interaction, utilizing my creative energy–despite all the craziness that came along with it. Simply put, no. I look around at the life that once was for me, a place that I spent 6 days a week, 10, sometimes 11, 12, 13 hours a day at, the paper trails, file cabinets, the phones ringing, the white gowns hanging, the customer consulting, the flower arranging, the deadlines; a place where I had a chance to build my self worth with the more weddings I booked, create a sense of accomplishment with each event I successfully completed, a place where I had a title of “Wedding Consultant”, a place where I was somebody. Now, I’m just a mom. Not as interesting of a title, but the job description is so much more substantial. At times, I feel guilty when someone asks me if I’ve gone back to work yet, and I tell them probably not for another year or two, or ever, and that I’m planning to work from home. I feel like they think I’m lazy and that the only way I can contribute to society is byway of entering the workforce. But, the truth is, no matter how rough work got, it never compared to how difficult the days in and days out of motherhood entails. At work, I could steal a moment of breath once in awhile. But, at home, I’m on my kid’s schedule. While Justin is asleep, Nathan may be awake to play. When they’re both asleep, I’m pumping, cleaning, thinking of what to feed Nathan when he wakes up. When they’re both awake, I try to manage to feed Justin while Nathan whines for me to play with him. When I play with one, I feel guilty of neglecting the other. My brain is constantly thinking up of new ways to stimulate them. Then, there are the health issues that I always have to be mindful of, with Nathan with his eczema and Justin with his heart. Sometimes I’m feeding Justin, and Nathan starts scratching, digging his fingers deep into his skin. What do I do then? It’s nonstop with these kids. At the end of the day, though, I look at the two little monsters and know that this thankless job of mine is worth it. I’m putting my energy out of love, and not having to sell myself and my beliefs out for monetary gain. This is what I’ve always wanted, to be able to live up to my convictions, and be able to spend time with and help mold my children.
I’ve never been more inspired, thankful, elated, or defined as I am now. I am what I’ve always wanted to to be–a mom.
Who did you always wanted to be? And, was it all that you expected it to be?
November 7th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
The job of being a parent is completely gone to so many. That’s why children these days have more friends than parents. I commend your work and Loi’s today and everyday being their parents and your boys, family, and the world will be a better place because of it.