Home of the Four Trans

A part of me got lost sometime during the past two weeks as I contemplated the many aspects of life. In a way, I guess you could say I got lost in my own thoughts. These thoughts drowned me at moments with hopelessness, anger, and disappointment. In particular, I was irritated by the thoughts of money and wealth and the obsession for materialistic gain and consumption. I wondered how elaborate of a home or flashy of a car would be considered “enough”, how many pairs of designer shoes, True Religion jeans, clothes, Louis Vuitton purses, plasma/LCD screens, things would ever be enough to a person to say, “OK, I’m satisfied now. I’m happy.” Although I’d like to categorize myself separate from those guilty of this gluttony as I have always thought of myself as a “simple” person who did not pay much attention to brands or having things, I wondered if I am much different.After our visit to the pumpkin patch last Friday, Nathan fell fast asleep in the car on our way to our next destination–The Market Place–to buy yet another ball. Instead of turning our 2007 Lexus E350 homeward bound, I decided to keep my promise and headed to the Babies R’ Us there thinking I could get some shopping done while he napped, all the while knowing that I did not have his Bugaboo stroller in the car. Of course I was not planning to carry him for the hour or so that he’s out…I would just buy a new stroller. He has, after all, outgrown the two year old $800 stroller that needed to be passed down to Justin anyway. It was also too much of a hassle to assemble and disassemble every time we went out (which is only once a week), and he really is a big boy now; It’s been good to us the last 2 years, but only babies roll in the Bugaboo. So, I had set my mind to purchase one of those “cheapie” Maclaren’s that I’ve seen all the celebrity and style savvy moms use. Without doing my research first, I assumed this less complicated design would cost around $50-$100 max. As it turned out, I only wanted the best for my son and opted for the $200 Maclaren Quest Sport in gray with lime green trim equipped with a cushioned seat that reclined into 4 different positions for comfort, a tilting hood with UV protective window (to keep out those evil sun rays), and an adjustable leg rest, just to name a few features. Yep, only the best…I could have easily walked one aisle over to pick up a less fancy version for $30, or settled for the free, fabric one the store had presented me with a year ago. I carried Nathan (still asleep) to the cash register and paid for it while waiting for the store attendant to uncover my new purchase from the box. He kindly showed me the open and collapse maneuvers, as I impatiently thought of how heavy Nathan really was (28 pounds), and how I just needed to put him in the stroller. I signed my credit card receipt, thanked the guy, and walked through the automatic sliding doors, only to hear “Gumball” from Mr. Nathan as we passed by the five foot machine encasing a multitude of the little round colorful treats. Off he jumped and the stroller soon became a shopping cart.I tend to justify my pricey purchases for my children with the argument that it’s “practical”. The Lexus was a practical purchase because it’s comfortable for the kids with a smoother ride, reliable, ranked high on the safety tests, and it’s within our means. The Bugaboo was a practical purchase because I figured with the high price tag came durability, better maneuverability, and comfortability. While all these reasons hold true, and the purchases were “practical”, were they necessary? Could I have not just opted for the Toyata Camry with less interior luxury features to save a few thousand dollars? Or a Peg Perego alternative that functions similarly to the Bugaboo (without the hydrolic shock system) for half the price? Certainly. Then, what would be even more practical is if I were to take that money I would have saved and put it in a CD account for the kids to earn some interest so that when they are of age, they can use it for college, or to buy a car, or to pay for their wedding, or for a rainy day. Or, I could have used a portion of the money to donate to charity. I mean, would the kids really know the difference if they were not presented with the better first? And, what type of mother am I to expose them to such superficiality? **Sigh**Where do we draw the line? I mean, they’re only kids now, and I just want to give them the world, spoil them with every treasure I can. But, what am I teaching them while doing so? I’m creating a norm surrounded by things–superficial things. There are those in poverty, hunger, and lack of shelter, yet, I worry whether the things will make my children happy. And, they in turn think that things will make them happy. Parents lead by example, right? So, how do I show my children how to be humble, and grateful, and not to define themselves by the things they have or own, when, I, myself, live such an elaborate life? I certainly cannot pick up our life and move to a country such as East Africa, such as this family has done with their children to do missionary work, so how do I teach them day to day? How do I expose them to a world greater then the one they live in now? One that is not so…perfect?

Nathan is recovering from his sickness…cold? flu? I’m not sure. He had a fever for 5 days that finally subsided, and continues to have a runny nose and coughs. He desperately wants Mommy and Daddy to console him, so we do, but only one at a time. With Justin sharing the same house and being so fragile, we had to be extra careful in handling him and Nathan at the same time. So, it goes something like this: play with Nathan, hug him, carry him, Justin cries, Mommy changes shirt, rub arms and chest down with Pampers Clean ‘n Go pre-moisten cloths, wash hands, rub Purrell hand sanitizer, pick up Justin, feed Justin, Nathan cries, Daddy runs in to carry him, Nathan cries, “I want Mommy!”, Mommy rushes over, Daddy changes his shirt, wash down with cloths, wash hands, rub Purrell, ready to pick up Justin, then Nathan changes his mind and cries, “I want Daddy!”, Mommy changes…and so on and on it goes.

Justin went to see his cardiologist, Dr. Michael Rebolledo, today. He officially weighs in at 9lbs 2oz and measures 22.5 inches in length. Breastmilk seems to be agreeing with him, as you can see with his chubby cheeks, arms, and thighs. As expected, I showed up with a list of questions and concerns I’ve noticed in the last two weeks. The questions mainly revolved around Justin’s breathing (sometimes rapid) and sweating (often excessive) issues, his swollen scrotum I discovered the other day (may be hydrocele–from abdominal fluid build up. More on this later), how long I can feed him breastmilk (as long as possible, we hope. Complications from surgeries may result in him having to go on a low-fat diet, which is not ideal), the unclipped stiches from one of incisions (need to follow up with Dr. Stein, the pediatric surgeon), and most important of all…when I can start taking him out to explore the world!

Interestingly enough, the same man that told me to limit visitors the first 3 months of life is now approving for me to take Justin out to the mall, restaurant, and supermarket. I guess he could sense that I was going a little crazy from being cooped up for the past month and went on to say, “We are past that danger point,” and pauses to look at me from the corner of his eye to see my reaction. I think the look I had on my face was one of…well, I don’t know what look I had. But, he followed with, “Is that, OK?” Umm…I thought I was asking that question?

Me: “Well, it is the cold and flu season.”

Dr.: “That’s true…but just use your common sense and don’t let strangers or sick people touch him.”

Me: (still not getting it…what is common sense, and how can I avoid people and their germs when I go out? Germs are everywhere, people breathe out germs…) “I don’t want people breathing on him”

Dr.: (not understanding what I wanted him to say)

Me: “I guess I just want someone to tell me it’s OK to take him out, but it’s me. I need to get over the anxiety of exposing him to the world.”

Dr.: “Well, where do you want to take him”

Me: “Where there are no people”

Dr: “You know what? It’s OK…Let’s remember not to treat him like Bubble Boy.”

All: (laugh)

He’s more worried of me exposing Justin to other children as they carry the most contagious germs.

The meeting continued on a more serious note where he mentioned that Justin’s echocardiogram looked “good” (I wondered why not excellent), and he went on to say that there is a mild to moderate leakage in his common valve which will improve after the Glenn Procedure (second open heart surgery).

“Could it ever be fixed?”, I wondered outloud.

“This is the anatomy he was born with and his body just has to work with it. There is no procedure to fix a leaking valve.”

I feel my eyes burn and starting to tear in fear of losing my baby. I look away to Justin so that the doctor wouldn’t see, but I knew he knew. I bravely looked back in his face to expose my weakness and asked, “So, what will happen when it doesn’t work anymore, will he need a heart transplant?”

He looks away momentarily to avoid my tears, I assume, while saying “We don’t have a crystal ball…”

“No one does,” I interrupted him, realizing that it was foolish of me to ask in the first place. “We just have to take it one day at a time…”

“That’s right,” he says.

“But he’s doing good,” lightening up, realizing that, today, I still have my baby.

“He’s doing very good. You’re both doing a great job.”

The tear fades and I smile. We are doing a good job.

This man is an amazing doctor. I am truly grateful for having crossed paths with him. He’s absolutely straightforward with me, but always trying to tailor his answers to my unsaid expectations. He never makes me feel bad for over-worrying (is there such a thing?).

So, with a light heart, Loi and I stopped by Panera’s for lunch after the meeting, and I bravely took Justin for a stroll in his stroller around the shopping complex, where (gasp!) there are people, while we waited for food. I still don’t know about being in an enclosed space with so many people…I do not dare venture into that territory anytime soon with Justin, no matter what the medical professional says! But, after the meeting, my brain is slowly rewiring to see that it’s OK to have visitors once in awhile…just not too many people at once, and no sickies, and no kids. I’m trying to let go a little…It’s just so difficult because if anything does happen to him, I’ll bear all the guilt and blame…Who says being a Mom is easy?

“I don’t look at his…thing!”

This is Loi’s reaction after I asked him if he noticed that Justin’s scrotum looked swollen the entire day that he was with him last weekend. It’s not a pretty job, but somebody’s gotta do it. I notice and inspect everything on my little son’s body so to recognize any changes that may be alarming. The swollen scrotum thing has not returned…but if it does, I will have to report it to his pediatrician to monitor it.

Remember that there’s always today because you’ll never know what tomorrow will bring.

check out the full album.

Before Nathan and Justin came into our lives, we babied a puppy named Lily, a white, pure-bred Maltese. Lily was the center of our lives, traveling to work with me everyday, and pampered with the best dog food, clothes, and attention. When Nathan popped into our world, though, Lily was left somewhat on the curb. Because of Nathan’s allergies and our inability to care for her whilst caring for our human child, we temporarily left her in the care of my parents. Well, “temporary” turned out to be two years…and then, Justin came along. Our hope was to one day bring her back to our place when we have a bigger home and a yard. But, realizing now that we could no longer give her the care and attention that she deserves, we gave her up to a very good friend of ours whose family we knew would give her all the love in the world. They had recently lost their long-time furry friend and were in search of a new one to brighten up their lives. In comes Lily. We never thought we’d see the day when we would have to give Lily away. I always imagined myself growing old with her. She will always be our little Lily Bear. But, we could not let our selfishness get the better of us. Lily deserves to love and be loved. Thanks, Liz and Chan family for loving Lily! We know you’ll take good care of her.

Check her out at her new place: http://s7.photobucket.com/albums/y295/lizxtasy/

And, here she is learning a new trick (who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=miQ_NU0S7mE

Nathan and I finally had a day alone together last weekend, a day I affectionately dubbed as “Mommy and Nathan’s Special Day.” I’ve told this story quite a several times, but for those who have not heard, I thought you may find it interesting.

Loi had offered to take care of Justin so that he could spend some time with the little munchkin while I get some shopping done with Nathan. With about 10 extra pounds on me, I had absolutely nothing in the closet that fit me anymore. He thought that I might enjoy a little time out, and would feel a little better once I made some purchases for myself. So, without hesitation, I put on my jeans and a simple cardigan, some flat shoes, pumped, then headed out the door with Nathan in my hand. I realized how much easier it is to take Nathan out now that he’s such a big boy, with no diaper bag to pack and bottles to prepare. I just put on his shoes, loaded him into the car, and off we went to South Coast Plaza.

Although shopping was a great pastime in my pre-Mommy years, it’s become somewhat of a chore…looking for clothes, trying it on, contemplating whether the purchase is worth my money. I’d rather spend my time with my little precious ones. But, the mall continues to serve as an exciting outing. Let me illustrate.

Puzzle Zoo: The Train Table

Some parents may hesitate taking their child to the toy store with the risk of actually having to buy them something. But, as I’ve learned in the past 2 years, the rewards far outweighs the monetary costs. Nathan’s favorite is the train table. He could spend at least an hour playing with the free trains on the tracks of the table. While we were there, he also learned some social skills. He learned to ask for a toy, and even had another boy share his home-brought Emily train with him. I was so proud of him because he did not hoard all the trains like some of the other kids did, but only played with one or two at a time. I also engaged in some train time with him, but when I figured he didn’t need me, I socialized with another mom there and learned some valuable information about pre-schools in our area.

The Carousel: Balloons

Yes, everywhere we turned, there were great opportunities to burn away money. Nathan loves balloons and repeatedly asked for the “big, orange” balloon the moment we entered the mall. Not wanting to carry a balloon bigger than the size of my head throughout the mall for several hours, I decided to postpone the purchase until the very end. However, we spent some time examining the different colors and designs on the balloons before his attention led elsewhere.

The Waterfall Fountain

Waterfalls have become somewhat of a recent obsession for Nathan. We spent about half an hour as he splashed the water with his hands, observed that there was “money” in there, and climbed up the edge only to jump back down so that I could catch him. A little girl runs up to the fountain test the water with her hands only to be scolded by her mother as she was hurriedly pulled away up the ramp. Am I a bad mother to let my son play with this “dirty” water, I wondered? Oh, well. It was a learning experience, I reasoned.

Nordstrom: Fish Tank

Red Fish. Blue Fish. Old Fish. New Fish. Visiting the local Nordstrom for some fish watching was a weekly tradition for me and Nathan prior to me giving birth. We would spend half an hour watching the colorful, tropical fish chase each other, hide, and eat. Nathan would point out to me the various colors he recognized and explained to me what he saw. “Nemo mau do (red), and mau den (black) hiding,” he would say. “Mommy, where is it? There it is! There it is!” He laughed gregariously when he saw a big blue fish chase a small yellow fish. I have to admit that I was intrigued by the fish’s little game as well. I was amazed by how smart the small one was to escape the bigger one by turning a corner and hiding in between the rocks, but only to be found seconds later and forced out by the bigger fish squeezing itself through the crevice. Was this really interesting, or have I been cooped inside for too long?

The Tantrum

So, when we left the house, Nathan was pretty close to his nap time. But, by the time we got to the mall, he was so excited he had forgotten that his body needed rest. Well, 3 hours later, the tiredness caught up with him, and he started acting out. I’ve never experienced Nathan throwing a tantrum in public before. Whenever I witnessed another mom desperately trying to calm her little toddler, I secretly felt grateful that Nathan had never embarrassed me like that. Well, there’s a first for everything. It all started with him wanting to drink his apple juice with a dirty straw that he had dropped on the ground. I told him I’d get him a new one but to no avail. One thing led to the next, with tiredness prevailing over reason, Nathan ended up in the middle of Nordstrom yelling and crying, “Go Away, Mommy! Go Away!” An onlooker asked if that was my child, and I thought, “Duh!” I actually was able to keep my calm and finally was able to convince him that if we did not leave and head for the balloon lady that we’d miss out on buying a balloon. “Huh?” The crying stops and he willingly loaded into his stroller as I pretty much ran across the mall back to the carousel to buy his balloon. By the time I got there–you guessed it–he had fallen asleep. As I was discussing with the balloon lady about which balloon to purchase him, he began to rustle, and she took it as a sign to loudly coo to him assuming that he was ready to wake up. Gee, thanks. Anyway, he was in a daze when he chose the orange balloon with the star design on it, and fell back asleep. I decided to push him around the mall for a little while to get him into a deeper slumber before loading him into the car. So, there I was, this small five foot tall lady, pushing a stroller around the mall with a large, pumpkin-sized balloon floating above my head. Quite a sight.

About half and hour later, I am at the car, loading the bag of toys and the monstrous (and did I mention pricey, $7) balloon into the car, when Nathan decided to wake up. Ah! He refused to get in the car and wanted to go back into the mall…I did as he asked knowing that I would pretty much have to wrestle him to get him in the car seat. Surprisingly, he decided he wanted to go home at that point. Hmm…maybe I should oblige to him more often.